Old Maid Sisters

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Get Me Out!

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required. "Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day finally came. "Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know it’s the best thing for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call. "So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!" "Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really that bad, we'll have to work something out. "So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life. As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent, and I've never been happier!" "That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd given it a chance. "Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly. When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right Now!" "But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, I've got to run over there and get you?" "Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!"

Getting the System Going Again

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."