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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Blind Date

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible! " the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce." " Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!

Old Jobs

Someone asked a retiree, "Do you have a job?" He replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?" "Very simple," he said, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it."

Parrot Punk

There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing. He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"

Granny and the Cop.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.  The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.  

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"  The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"  The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"  The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"  The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"  The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."  The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"  And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Leave a Specimen

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. "Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said. The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?" "No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!"