Low Sex Drive
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered." The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive lowered?" To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
You Know You're Middle Aged If...
- You’ve come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
- The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the “ten items or less” lane.
- You’ve stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
- You’ve found yourself discussing rain gutters.
- You remember your kid’s names, just not always the right one.
- You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
- Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
- You buy “age-defying” makeup and “antiwrinkle” creams and believe they work.
- You’ve realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
- You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator music.
- As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.
- You’ve had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—“for the last time in a generation”
- You’d pay good money to be strip-searched.
- Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.
- The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
- You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.
- You know what Earth Shoes are.
- You think if you hear “Stairway to Heaven” one more time your head will explode.
- Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.
- On Saturday night, when your wife mentions “hot oil, a little friction, and squealing,” you tell her you’ll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.
Rest Your Mind
Q: Why do baby diapers have names like "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".
A: When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants it "Depends" on who's in the will!
Yo Mama - Powdered Milk
Yo Mama's so old she got powdered milk in her boobs!
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a hundred."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doc said.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."