Work & Office Jokes

Responding to the Wuhan virus shutdown, a Seattle business owner called in his 4 employees for a meeting. Boys, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..."

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

1.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

a) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

b) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

c) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

a) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.

b) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

c) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

a) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.

b) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

c) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

a) Listen politely, and then apologize.

b) Blame someone else.

c) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

a) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

b) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

c) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

a) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

b) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.

c) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

a) Clean the office while he supervises.

b) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

c) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test:

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible."

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up.  "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.