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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Office Happenings

  • Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".
  • Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
  • A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
  • My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
  • My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
  • My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
  • I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself.
  • My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.
  • He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery.
  • He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
  • Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
  • Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
  • HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
  • Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

Car Brake Trouble

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Mini-Skirt

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Office Inspirational Posters

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational

1.Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never under estimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays:

Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.

Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Week 9 - Memo No. 5 As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.

Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Week 18 - Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.

Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.