Money to Buy Meat

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat. "Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

Women and Men, Wine and Grapes

Men are like a fine grape:

• They are best kept in the dark.
• They can't handle too much heat.
• They perform best when they are stepped on.

 
Women are like the wine that comes from the grape:

• They are sweet, vigorous, and full-bodied when they are young.
• They don't age well without preservatives.
• They become sour and vinegary if they remain bottled up.

Smart Alec

A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"