Texan Bar Talk
Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."
"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
I'D LOVE TO BUT:
- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
- I have to floss my pets.
- I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
- I want to spend more time with my blender.
- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
- I'm building a pig from a kit.
- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
- I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
- I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
- .I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
- I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
- I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
- My patent is pending.
- The nice man on television told me to say tuned.
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied, "That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"
Three men were out golfing with the club pro one day. The first man teed off and hit a dribbling ball about 60 yards. He turned to the pro and asked, "What did I do wrong?" The pro replied, "Loft." The next golfer teed off and hooked the ball into the woods. He asked the pro the same question. The pro again answered, "Loft." The third man teed off and sliced it into a pond. He too asked the pro, "What did I do wrong?" Again, "Loft." As they were walking down the fairway, the first man finally spoke up to the pro. "All three of us hit completely different tee shots and yet when we asked you what we did wrong, you gave the same exact answer every time. "So what does Loft mean?" asked the three men. "The pro shook his head and said, "Lack of Friggin' Talent!"