Shoplifting

An old lady was arrested for shoplifting carrots. At her court hearing the judge looked at her and said, "I'm going to sentence you to one day for every carrot you stole to teach you a lesson. You stole four carrots so that's four days jail time for you."
Before he could swing his gavel down the old lady's husband raises his hand and says "Your honor, can I make a statement on behalf of my wife before you pass sentencing?"
The judge says "Yes, make it quick I have other cases to try today." The husband looks at his wife, then the judge and says "She also stole a can of peas."

Vegas Brothel

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The Madam is astonished.
"But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies,
"Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Shades of Grey

My wife said she wanted to see 50 shades of grey.
So I took a photo of her hair.