Holiday Jokes - Christmas Jokes

Gift of Her Choosing

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives. The first man says that he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. "That way," he explains, "if she doesn't like one, she can use the other." The second man says he had bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason. The third man says, "I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn't like the negligee, she can go screw herself."

Categories: Funny Thoughts , Holiday Jokes (Christmas Jokes) , Relationship Jokes (Man Criticizes Woman) , Relationship Jokes (Marriage Jokes) , Sex Jokes (Denied Sex Jokes) , Sex Jokes (Masturbation Jokes)
Anonymous

Season's Greetings!

Money's short, times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card.
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, everybody felt shitty, even the mouse.
Mum at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment It must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, sure enough, the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother, the Queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, piss on you all and have a hell of a night.

Categories: Holiday Jokes (Christmas Jokes) , Dark Humor Jokes
Submitted BY: TwizSis

Christmas Tree Hunting

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.
The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren't even distracted! Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let's just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

Categories: Blonde Jokes (Dumb Blonde Jokes) , Holiday Jokes (Christmas Jokes) , Word Play Jokes
Anonymous