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The best jokes and joke writers!

Adult Speak

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?" Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Shit!"

Freshman Anatomy

A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..

When the door opens the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says, "Before learning human anatomy there are two important things you need to remember."

"First, you should be fearless." The professor then sticks his finger in the dead-body's butt hole and then puts it in his mouth. Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted. The professor then said in a commanding voice, "Everyone line up and do exactly what I just did." With great hesitation and disgust, every student repeated what their professor did.

After the initial commotion settled down and everyone had their turn, the professor said, "The second thing you need to remember is the importance of having a keen sense of observation. Some of you noticed that I stuck my index finger in the butt hole and put my ring finger in my mouth."

Gooey Stuff

Q: What's yellow and gooey and smells like bananas?

A: Monkey snot.

Two Flies on a Date

Two flys are out on a date, so they go out on the town and see fresh dog poop on the side of the road. They rush down and start feasting, when one of the flies stops and has the biggest relieved face. The other fly asks, "Are you okay?" The fly responds with a squirmish smile and the other fly smells something funky and says, "Dude, how rude! You fart while I'm eating!"

Ponderings Collection

- Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

- So what's the speed of dark?

- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

- I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious.

- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?