A Cynics Guide to Life

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or a swirly.
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
• Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

Mary Poppins Moved

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

Hooker's Two Cents

One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While jogging he sees a hooker on the street corner and she says "Five bucks for a blowjob." Bill says, "I'll give you two dollars." The hooker says no and Bill shrugs and continues jogging. The next day he goes for another jog and sees the same hooker. Again she says "Five bucks for a blowjob," but Bill says "no, $2." She says no and Bill laughs and keeps jogging. The next day, Hillary goes with Bill on his jog and he passes hooker once again. The hooker looks over at Hillary and says, "You see what you get for two bucks?"