Pirate Poker

Q: Where does a pirate keep his poker cards?
A: Close to his chest.

Jack Party

I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate.
Let me know if you can come or not.

Measuring

I was laying in bed reading a book when my Dad walked in with a retractable metal tape measure.  When he got about five feet away from me he stopped and started pushing the tape out to me.  It got closer and closer till it eventually pokes me in the cheek.
I asked him, "What are you doing?"
Then Dad said, "I'm measuring your patience"