Dumb Questions

• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
• Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?
• Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
• Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
• Why are they called "stands" when they’re made for sitting?
• Why aren’t there ever any guilty by standers?
• Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers?
• Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
• Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

Why Are You Not Married Comebacks

Comebacks for the question "why are you not married yet?".

• You haven't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
• Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Tough Jobs

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: "It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?"
-- Vanna White, 'Wheel of Fortune' co-star