Steven Wright Continued

• I took a baby shower.
• I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
• I washed mud, off of mud. 
• Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
• I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
• My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
• I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
• My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Table Manners

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill replied with "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom said "The smaller piece, of course." Bill shot back "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

K9 Trust

After I'm done snacking I have to show my hands to my dog like a blackjack dealer.