Don't Look at Me

I had to go next door and watch my neighbor’s cat while he was away. Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of pee on his kitchen floor . Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.

Monty Python Answering Machine

English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

Cord Trouble

Q: My son has been eating electrical cords, what should I do?
A: Ground him until he conducts himself properly.