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The best jokes and joke writers!

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
  • At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
  • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"

Church Bulletin

I write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages." Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell." Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.

Newspaper Clipping

  • Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
  • Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
  • Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
  • Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
  • Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
  • Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
  • Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
  • Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Penal Enlargement Announcement

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.

News Headlines

  • Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. 
  • An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. 
  • In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October 'Roma Outsize' fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight 'condom dress' decorated with Viagra pills.
  • Saturday in Beaumont, Texas a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
  • Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.
  • October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip. It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.