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The best jokes and joke writers!

Newspaper Clipping

  • Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
  • Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
  • Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
  • Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
  • Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
  • Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
  • Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
  • Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Penal Enlargement Announcement

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody. But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive. But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawl means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide:

  1. Is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
  2. Contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
  3. May cause severe burns.
  4. Contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  5. Accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  6. May cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  7. Has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS! Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • As an industrial solvent and coolant
  • In nuclear power plants
  • In the production of styrofoam
  • As a fire retardant
  • In many forms of cruel animal research
  • In the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical
  • As an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED! The American government has refused to ban the production and distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Act NOW to prevent further contamination!

News Headlines

  • Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. 
  • An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. 
  • In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October 'Roma Outsize' fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight 'condom dress' decorated with Viagra pills.
  • Saturday in Beaumont, Texas a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
  • Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.
  • October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip. It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
  • At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
  • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"