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Stupid Court Record Excerpts from Salt Lake Tribune

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

  • Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
  • Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."  Q: Did he kill you?
  • Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
  • The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
  • Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes.  Q: How many were boys?  A: None.  Q: Were there any girls?
  • Were you alone or by yourself?
  • Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?  A: That's me.  Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?  Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
  • Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?  A: Yes.  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
  • Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?  A: By death.  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
  • Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?  A: I'll be three months on March 12th.  Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?  A: Yes.  Q: What were you doing at that time?
  • Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
  • Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
  • Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?  A: I used to be.  Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
  • So, you were gone until you returned?  You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
  • Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?  A: Not yet.
  • A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
  • Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?  A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.  Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?  A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Newspaper Clipping

  • Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.
  • Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
  • Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
  • Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.
  • Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog.
  • Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
  • Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.
  • Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.
  • Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.
  • Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawl means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide:

  1. Is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
  2. Contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
  3. May cause severe burns.
  4. Contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  5. Accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  6. May cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  7. Has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS! Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

  • As an industrial solvent and coolant
  • In nuclear power plants
  • In the production of styrofoam
  • As a fire retardant
  • In many forms of cruel animal research
  • In the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical
  • As an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED! The American government has refused to ban the production and distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. IT'S NOT TOO LATE! Act NOW to prevent further contamination!

Playboy's New Magazine

After Hugh Hefner passed, Playboy management decided to introduce a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

Alaska Tourism Warning

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.