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The best jokes and joke writers!

Stupid Quotes

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this."

David Coleman, BBC 1 TV "Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes."

Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment." "Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?"

Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4 "Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold."

Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV "Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."

Stupid Quotes Around The World

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

  • "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
  • "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
  • Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
  • "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories." Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV
  • " Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets." James Hunt, BBC2 TV
  • "A church spire nestling among the trees... there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

The Ford Slogan

Q: Have you driven a Ford lately?

A: Yeh, that's why I drive a Chevy!

OJs Limo Service

Have you heard that OJ is starting a new Airport Limo service? His motto is, "We get you there with time to kill!"

True Signs

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

  • On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
  • On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
  • At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
  • On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
  • In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
  • In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
  • In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
  • In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
  • On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ear piercings"