Jokes about Families - Mother Jokes

You might be a redneck if...

• You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.
• You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.
• Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.
• You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-B-Q'.
• You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.
• Your mother is hairier than your father.
• Instead of flossing you use a plunger.
• You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way. When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.
• Your grandma can bench press a truck axle.

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "OK, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she's sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a thorough examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about four months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?!? She can't be. She has never even been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Peter: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

John: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Peter: "No way, you had sex last night?"

John: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Peter: "I don't have a sister."

John: "You will in about nine months."

Mom, how did I come to this world? "Well, your father and I planted a seed together," the mother said.

"From that seed, we grew a marijuana plant, then smoked some weed and had sex on the washing machine."

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why are you so weak?" She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."