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The best jokes and joke writers!

Love, Love, Love

One of the most painful things in the world is when you say "I love you" and it isn't reciprocated

Especially when you've just said it to your parents

Rusty Gates

Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair. He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?" Three guys step forward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew. Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown. First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900.00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300 for materials, $300 for labor, and $300 for me." "Great," says Peter. Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that, "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art! The price...$3,000. I'll need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit." "OK, thanks," says Peter and now the Jew. He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter. "The price is $2,900... That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the black guy!"

Gift for The Wife

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap. "So the clerk handed him a mirror.

World Cup: Priceless

Flight to Rio:  € 2,000

Hotel:  € 1,200

England Football Team Merchandise:  € 750

Arriving after elimination: Priceless  

A Jew and a Canoe

Q: What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?

A: A canoe tips