Q: What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?
A: A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.
Q: How do you get a one-armed newfie out of a tree?
Q: How do you get a two-armed newfie out of a tree?
A: Wave both hands!
The following took place at an international conference for women's rights.
The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said," After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued... "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
When It Gets Hot
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert. The Dutchman says: "I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot." The German says: "I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!" The Belgian remains silent. Next day: the Dutchman and the German are astonished. "What's that?" they both shout. The Belgian answers: "It's a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot..."
A Drink In A Chinese Restaurant
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. "Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "