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The best jokes and joke writers!

Newfoundland and Nova Scotia

Q: Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

A: The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Don't Cut

An American has sex with a Soviet woman and catches a strange venereal disease causing a green ring around the base of the penis. The American goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. Wanting another opinion, he then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but agrees that amputation is indicated.

Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this strange form of venereal disease.  Indeed, the Soviet doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"

Signs And Notices Again

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left."

Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

The Joy of Being Self-employed

The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a commercial boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to St. John's to investigate him.

Government agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

Strong Britain

Q: What makes Britain so strong?

A: It´s the two-party system. One big party on every Friday and another big party on every Saturday