Three Chinese Tortures
One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the "Three Chinese Tortures." On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll endure whatever he has to. So he has his way with the daughter and retires to his room. The next morning when he wakes up he finds a rock on his chest. There is a note on it, reading: "FIRST CHINESE TORTURE: ROCK ON CHEST." The man laughs and throws the rock out the window. Then he sees a sign on the nightstand that says: ''SECOND CHINESE TORTURE: LEFT NUT TIED TO ROCK." He goes flying out the window after the rock but, as he does, he spots a sign on the windowsill that proclaims: "THIRD CHINESE TORTURE: RIGHT NUT TIED TO BED POST."
Phone Calls in Hell
There were three guys in Hell: An Iranian, an American, and a Chinese man. They asked Satan to let them call their family. The American called and talked for 10 minutes. He payed $1,000. The Chinaman called and talked for 15 minutes. He payed $2,000. The Iranian talked for an hour and only paid $10. The other men complained and Satan responded, "A call from Hell to Hell is local."
This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry". "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?". The old man answers
"Is name of owner." The visitor asks
"Well, who in the heck is the owner?".
"I am he", answers the old man.
"You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man replies,
"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me... What your name? I say Sam Ting."
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza. The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."
Q: What would you call theft in Peking?
A: A Chinese takeaway!