I Wanna Be A Commie

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist." The doctor asks, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

Brothers Christmas

Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, open their presents on Christmas day. While Timmy unpacks mountains of awesome stuff, all Tommy got was a pair of socks. "Could it be that our parents love me more than you?" Timmy smirks. Tommy answers, "Could it be that you've got cancer?"

Ashes to Ashes

Q: What's David Bowie's zodiac sign?
A: Cancer. (What? Too soon?)