No Arms and No Legs
There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her: "Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?" She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him. The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again. Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?" She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss. The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?" The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him: "There... now you're f**ked!
At the Top of the Stairs
Q: What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?
A: A quadriplegic in a house fire.
Good/Bad Car Accident
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life. "Harry says, "My God!... What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead!"
- Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- So what's the speed of dark?
- Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Can't Feel My Legs
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!" "Well of course you can't silly!" replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."