Disability Jokes - Deaf Jokes

Did you hear about the deaf mute? - Neither did he.

A man is about to tee off on a golf course when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and finds a man standing behind him. The second man hands him a card , reading, “I am a deaf-mute. May I play through, please?” The first man angrily gives the card back, and shouts , “No . You can’t play through! Your handicap gives you no such right!” With this the first man whacks his ball on to the green and walks off to finish the hole. A few minutes later he’s just about to sink the putt when another ball hits him on the head knocking him out cold. When he comes around he finds the deaf-mute standing over him – holding up four fingers.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen." On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen." On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it, I can hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"

"You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"

The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes after two."

When someone yawns, do deaf people think they're screaming?