Black Magic!

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Cheap Widow

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects, and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'."
Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers, and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died; 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

Ashes

My mom just told me to cremate her and put her ashes in an hour glass so that even after she's dead and gone she can continue telling me how much time I'm wasting.