I Flattened Your Cat

A man was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, a cat ran out in front of him and before the man could react; *splat*, he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off..." "Not so fast", she interrupts. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you horrible man", she replied, "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?" At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Ahhhhhhhhh!!"

Bear Logic

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Two Things To Worry About

There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about; if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...