Dark Humor Jokes - Death Jokes

Two men , Rick and Dave, go on a skiing trip and get caught in a blizzard. They pull into a farm and ask the lady of the house, a good-looking widow , if they can sleep on her couch. She agrees and they turn in for the night. Next morning they go on their way and enjoy a weekend of skiing. A few months later, Rick gets a letter from the widow’s lawyer . He says to Dave, “You remember that good-looking widow we met on our skiing vacation?” “Yes,” says Dave. “In the middle of the night, did you go up to her room and have sex with her?” asks Rick. “Yes,” admits Dave, a little embarrassed. “I see,” says Rick. “And when you had sex did you happen to use my name instead of yours?” Dave’s face turns red. “Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m afraid I did.” “Well,” says Rick. “You must have been damn good. She’s just died and left everything to me.”

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except  Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

Q: Do you know what happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

A: You get repossessed!

Q: What was the murderer's last request to the chaplain as he sat in the electric chair?

A: Will you hold my hand?

Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job. One day, a woman comes to the stand, "Hey, sonny, how much do those cigarettes cost?" "I don't know", replies the stupid cashier. The woman leaves unsatisfied. The boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!" "10 cents? I will have to remember that" said the cashier. The next day, another woman comes "hey sonny, how much do those cigarettes cost?" "10 cents ma'am" "Really? Are they fresh?" "I don't know...?" So the woman leaves. The boss, having spied this, screams "WELL OF COURSE THEY ARE FRESH YOU NINCOMPOOP, WHAT DO YOU THINK? THEY ARE SOUR OR SOMETHING?" So the cashier memorizes "Yes, very fresh" The next day, another woman comes and says "Hello dear, now much do those cigarettes cost?" "10 cents" He replies. "Are they fresh?" "Very fresh" "Should I buy them?" "I don't know" So the woman leaves. The boss having seen this goes to scream at him again "YOU MORON, WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THAT, YOU HAVE TO SAY 'If you don't, somebody else will' OK?" "Okay, gotcha boss" So the next day, the little shop gets robbed by a guy with a gun. He goes up to the cash register and screams "HEY, how much money is in that cash register?" "10 cents sir" "WHAT? ARE YOU BEING FRESH TO ME?" "Yes, very fresh sir" "SHOULD I SHOOT YOU?" "If you don't, somebody else will."