David Copperfield and His Wife

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick? "I will," replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."  "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.  He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind.  David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"  The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic!"

Indian TP

Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest. The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the Soft and Gentle was. "That'd be $2.50" said the clerk. "Too much." mumbled the Indian, "How about the 'Gentle'?" "That one's $2," answered the clerk. "Still too much," complained the Indian, "anything cheaper?" "Well," replied the clerk, "We do have a generic kind." "What generic mean?" asked the Indian. "It means it doesn't have a name, and it's only 50 cents." "Me take that." said the Indian. The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, "Me have name for generic toilet paper." "Oh," says the clerk, "What's the name?" "Me call it John Wayne... it's rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian."

Seattle 911

I accidentally called Nike instead of the suicide hotline.
They said just do it.