Bright Side

Q: Why was the bar owner happy after the robbery?
A: His spirits were lifted.

Two Guns and No Guns

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him. So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales.
The man says, "Let me tell you a story... One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, 'Get off your horse.' Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, 'Now drop your pants.' Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, 'Now shit.' Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I shit. Then he says, 'Now eat it.' Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, 'Drop your pants.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants. Then I say, 'Now shit.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He shits. Then I say, 'Now eat it.' Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

What Time Does the Bar Open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens."It opens at noon", answers the clerk.  About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.  "What time does the bar open?" he asks.  "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.  Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"  The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.""No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"