Talking Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartender just frowns and says, "Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar."  The owner retorts, "But this is no ordinary dog." The bartender doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.  The owner protests, "Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog."  The bartender says, "Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?" 
The owner says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will."  So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartender start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartender starts to really like this dog. They are talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartender comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says, "Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?" The dog says, "No problem", and gets up and leaves.The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartender explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.  Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says, "Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?" To which the dog replies, "Because I have never had $20 before."

Stumpy Legged Pink Dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.” 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?” The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

Bar Translations

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.