Q: What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?
A: I've already got a lot of problems, and I don't need any of your drama.
What is a country song played backwards?
Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
Phone a Friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
A guy is out hunting. He stops to pee, leans his weapon against a tree and….just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter. “The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well I guess that isn't too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” Not exactly,” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life!
- Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling!
- Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart