A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks, "Do you do custom work?"
"Why of course!"
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!"
Q: What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?
A: I've already got a lot of problems, and I don't need any of your drama.
What is a country song played backwards?
Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
Just been to see an art exhibition on depression. The pictures had hung themselves.
Phone a Friend
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"