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The best jokes and joke writers!

If You Are Unhappy

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. However,he found that the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. The moral of the story:

  1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
  2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.
  3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.

Pet Cemetery

An old lady was getting on the bus to go to the pet cemetery with her cat's remains.  As she got on the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead p*ssy."  The driver pointed to the lady sitting behind him and said, "Sit with my wife, you two have a lot in common!"

Cats and Hot Dogs

Q: What do cats like on their hot dogs?

A: Mouse-tard.

Lions Meal

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?

A: 'Let us prey.'

Cat Facts for Cat Lovers

  • An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
  • Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
  • At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
  • Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
  • Cat rule #1: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
  • Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
  • Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
  • Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
  • Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
  • Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
  • Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.  Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
  • I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
  • I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.  
  • In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
  • On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
  • One cat just leads to another.
  • People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
  • Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
  • There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
  • When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
  • You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.