Animal Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?

A: He got 16 months in prison.

Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?  The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis  Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation:

• I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
• Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
• I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
• At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
• Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
• Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
• Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
• Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
• I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
• When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.

Q: Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger?

A: I'd rather have him chase the tiger.

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner, he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. The cook pulled a cowboy aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?

A: An infected pussy on your organ.