The Funeral

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line."

Cow Nap

Q: When do cows go to sleep?
A: When it's pasture bedtime.

Momma Bear

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.  Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.  He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!  "Who's been eating my porridge," he squeaks?  Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?," he roars!  Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"  "It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who woke everybody else in the house up."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who made the Coffee."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper." "It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."  "It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish." "And, now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace 'Momma Bear' with your presence,listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one time..."I haven't made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!"