Two Scotsmen Reunited
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship. "Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate. "Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
He's going to Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
Pat and Mike
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a lie. He got out three times ta pee!"
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.
"Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians!"