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The best jokes and joke writers!

What Gate

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program..."

Blonde Calling Airlines

A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Murphy's Travel Laws

Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers...

  • No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
  • Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
  • If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
  • If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
  • Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
  • The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
  • The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
  • The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. 

Yo Mama - Flight Ticket

Yo' Mama is so fat, the last time she booked a flight, her boarding ticket read, "Please allow up to 4-6 weeks for freight delivery."

Casey McCarthy

Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"