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The best jokes and joke writers!

Off to Barcelona

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo...".  "What are you doing?" inquires the doctor. "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona.", replies the man. 

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.  "And what are you doing?", asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!"

Bad Dream

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again." "What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention. "You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

Communication Problem

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me. The psychiatrist asked, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" The blonde explained, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." "Uh, how's that working?" he asked. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," she said. "And why do you think that is?" The blonde said, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Deck of Cards

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!            

Psychiatrist:  Sit over there and I'll deal with you later!

I'm A Wheelbarrow

Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.