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The best jokes and joke writers!

The Mechanic

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you"  '"Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?" Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic... "Now try doing it with the engine running!"

Getting a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech."And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Translating Menspeak

When He Says - He Really Means

Do you have the time? - to go to bed

Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? - in bed, I mean.

I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.

I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.

I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.

I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.

I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.

I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I'm in television. - I fix them.

I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.

I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.

I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.

I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.

I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.

I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.

I play the market. - Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.

I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

Mortuary Answering Machine

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

Welders and Prostitutes

Q: What do welders and prostitutes have in common?

A: You usually find them in awkward positions screaming for more rod & money.