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The best jokes and joke writers!

Lawyers

A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey... I resent that!"

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."

Excess Billing Hours

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Eternal Marriage

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out," they wonder, "are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground! "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Pig and a Lawyer

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Lawyer in the Hospital

On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible. "What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," replied the lawyer.