Paper Joke

Q: Why wouldn't the comedian tell the joke about paper?
A: It was tearable.

Hypnotist and Students in Auditorium

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word. Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled "SHIT!"

Lesser Of Two

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."