Three Morticians

There were three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!" The next guy says, "Oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "Man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. It took me four days just to get the grin off her face."

Things You Should Not Say To A Judge

1. "I got your community service right here pal!"
2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
5. "No you robe wearing geek."
6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"

Waiter

Being a waiter isn't a very glamorous job.
But at least it puts food on the table.