Thankful He's Drunk

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.  A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"  The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"  "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."  Obviously relieved, the wino said, "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Misunderstood People

1. They speak only the Greek language.
2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson?
3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA.
4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it.
5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket-protector parties.
6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVA's.
7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z-scores.
8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution.
9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected.
10. They express a deap-seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.

Tough Judge

The judge handed the accused a piece of paper and asked him to read what was written on it, You should have seen the trouble he had saying "The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
He's always handing out tough sentences.