Man with No Legs

A man with no legs is lying on the beach, when three attractive blondes approach him. The first blonde says to him ''I bet you've never been hugged before.'' The legless man shakes his head.
Then the second blonde says, ''I bet you've never been kissed before.'' The legless man shakes his head again. Then the third blonde says, ''I bet you've never been fucked before.'' The legless man says, "No." The third blonde replies, ''Well you are now because the tide is coming in!'''

Ain't She Cute

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she cute?"
Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."
Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

Remember when, Technology...

Remember when ...
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment, a program was a TV show, a cursor used profanity, a keyboard was a piano, Memory was something that you lost with age, a CD was a bank account, and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy, you hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire, hard drive was a long trip on the road, a mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue, a web was a spider's home, and a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper, and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead.