Top 10 Lists
Bought a Bad Computer
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
- Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
- It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
- In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
- It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
- The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
- Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
- The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
- The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
- The only chip inside is a Dorito.
- You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Top Ten New Proposed Domains
TOP TEN PROPOSED NEW DOMAINS
Earlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating special domains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding: And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them:
10. ".trek"-- contains audio files of William Shatner
9. ".bill"-- Microsoft has bought this company
8. ".love"-- for people who would rather cuddle
7. ".slow"-- based in a distant country with no T3 lines
6. ".geek"-- assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
5. ".404"-- we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
4. ".y2k"-- contains theories about the end of the world
3. ".burn"-- huge multimedia files will crash your computer
2. ".*"-- contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life
1. ".duh"-- explains, in detail, stuff you already know
Top 15 - The Ocean
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6 )
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They're beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. ( Kevin , age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky , age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Top 20 Timeless Golf Quotes
- These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.~ Sam Snead
- I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
- Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.~ Jim Murray
- The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
- Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.~ Kevin Costner
- I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
- After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
- The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.~ Brian Weis
- Swing hard in case you hit it.~ Dan Marino
- My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.~ Lord Robertson
- Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.~ Jack Benny
- There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.~ Ben Hogan
- Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.~ Jack Nicklaus
- The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.~ H G Wells
- I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.~ Billy Graham
- If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.~ Bob Hope
- While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman
- If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.~ Jack Lemmon
- You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.~ Lee Trevino
- I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.~ Lee Trevino
Vice President Heart Problems
- Always looks like he's pledging allegiance.
- His cholesterol level is directly proportional to the National Debt.
- He owns a signed copy of Ted Kennedy's "Joy of Grease."
- He can only donate blood to people with Type Nacho Cheese.
- After years of eating intravenously, he can make his arm burp.
- According to his EKG, his heartbeat has the same rate as a strobe light.
- Number one supporter is the Grim Reaper.
- During the Persian Gulf War he arrived in Kuwait with a spoon and bib, eagerly awaiting "Operation Dessert Storm."
- After every press conference there's a man standing over his body saying, "Clear!"
- Let's face it: He's a politician.