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Top Ten Rules For Dieting

  1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.
  3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
  4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
  5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
  6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
  7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
  8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
  9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.
  10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Top 10 Ways to Confuse Santa Clause on Christmas

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas
10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!
9. While Santa's in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!
8. While Santa's in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!
7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well? They always return to the scene of the crime"
4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.
3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.
2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!
1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!"

10 Signs You Party Too Much

1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.
2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out "In da' house!"
3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.
4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.
5. All your stories begin with, "I was so wasted..."
6. Your Native American name would've been "Man of Running Body Fluids."
7. You refer to sunlight as a "that bright shit."
8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.
9. Whenever you see a blinking "Do Not Walk" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy.
10. All your stories end with, "...and that's when everything got blurry."

Top Ten Signs You're In A Bad Motel

  1. The "complimentary" paper tells you that President Kennedy has died. 
  2. The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
  3. The "magic fingers vibration" is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic.
  4. There is still some stuff that they put around crime scenes that is yellow
  5. The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
  6. You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
  7. There's a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
  8. The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
  9. The Only TV station you can get is a porno channel with Roseanne on it.
  10. The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter

The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job

  1. You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God."
  2. You have visited every website in the world.
  3. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
  4. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
  5. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
  6. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
  7. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
  8. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
  9. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.