Murphy's Martial Laws

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:

1. The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
2. The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
3. The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
4. The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
5. If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
6. After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
7. After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
8. In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
9. No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

13 Pranks for College Lecture

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY." (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency."
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do

10) Your mom.
9) Piss in the wind.
8) Spit straight up.
7) "No, officer, we haven't been drinking..."
6) Swallow.
5) Drop the soap.
4) Eat it if it smells.
3) Get drunk at a gay bar.
2) Play leapfrog with a unicorn.
1) Use Elmers' glue for a lubricant.