Top 10 Lists
25 Signs You've Grown Up:
- Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
- Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
- You watch the Weather Channel.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
- Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
- You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
- "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
- You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!
Top Ten Reasons To Live In Saskatchewan
- You never run out of wheat
- Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
- Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
- Your province is really easy to draw
- You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
- It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
- YOUR Roughriders survived
- You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
- People will assume you live on a farm
- Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
Top 10 Things To Scare Your Roommate Off
10. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8. Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5. Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2. Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians
15. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13. Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
12. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
11. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7. Toe tag paper cuts.
6. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
4. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
3. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
2. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
1. Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
Ten Worst Gifts to Buy a Woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.