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The best jokes and joke writers!

Change my Number

The phone rings, woman answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair."

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf, who shall I say is calling?"

President's Answering Machine

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. 

Answering Machine - World Domination

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight? Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over the world! (Sing:) They're David and the Rob, Yes, David and the Rob, One is a drummer, the other needs a job. They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow, Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

Answering Machine - Burglar

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live? 

Answering Machine - Changing Lightbulb

I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.