Purchasing Furniture

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them: Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea. You get a phone call that goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's great, we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
Customer: But how do I get there?
You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?
(And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:)
Customer: All I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so complicated?

Ocean Laptop

Q: What happened when your laptop fell in the ocean?
A: You now have a dell rolling in the deep.

Punishment for Gates

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."