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The best jokes and joke writers!

Puppies Don't Surf The Web

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

  • Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
  • Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
  • Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
  • Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
  • Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
  • Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
  • Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
  • Cause dogs aren't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
  • Barking in the next cubical keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
  • SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
  • Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
  • Butt-sniffing is more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

Internet Time

Q: Dad, is it true that spending time on the internet makes you dumber?"

A: "omg son lol"

Password Hell

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password.

USER: Cabbage

WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: Boiled cabbage

WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50damnboiledcabbages

WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

WEBSITE: Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !

WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WEBSITE: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Virus Alert

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUSALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT:  If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

Some Whimsical Sayings

  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
  • There 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  • A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  • For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  • I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  • The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  • I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  • Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  • Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  • There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  • I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  • Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
  • If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  • Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  • If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  • It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  • Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.
  • Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  • Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  • Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
  • Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  • Dain bramaged.
  • Department of Redundancy Department
  • What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWLC:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN<-------- The information went data way -------->Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  • The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  • The name is Baud...... James Baud.
  • Access denied--nah nah na na